When I was around thirteen years old, I was in a very dark place. I started hanging out with the wrong crowd. I started smoking cigarettes. I wore all black clothing. I remember that I was always tired. I always just wanted to sleep. When I got home from school, I would sometimes be the only one home. When I was alone, I would drink medicine that would make me sleep. That was the only way I found comfort.
Thankfully we moved the next year so I had to switch schools and I got away from hanging with the wrong crowd. I was starting high school and looking for a fresh start.
Throughout high school, I was a "good girl". I mainly hung out with people from my youth group at church. I didn't drink. I didn't do drugs. I didn't have sex. I did date a few young men, but I must tell you, I didn't like dating. On Sundays and Wednesdays you would find me at church. I longed to be there. I longed to be told about Jesus. I longed to know what it meant to be unconditionally loved.
Even though I was a good girl, I was not trusted by my parents. I remember the feelings of not being good enough, pretty enough, the feeling that I was always doing something wrong. My parents were controlling, verbally abusive and very manipulative. They were also very good at looking good in the public eye. Whenever I reached out to someone for help because of how I was feeling I would always end up hearing "well, you know how she is." They had an amazing way of getting people to believe them over me.
When I was in high school, I realized that Jesus was my Savior and God was my Heavenly Father. I got baptized when I was fifteen. I found comfort in my youth group. I found comfort in my youth group leaders.
My senior year in high school was extremely difficult for me and full of changes. I was working at the local police department and exposed to a whole new world. I attended six funerals within six months. My adoptive dad lost his job and looked for work in other States.
I moved out on my own shortly after my eighteenth birthday. I did not truly understand all the responsibility that came with being on my own. Even though I was on my own, I was not treated like an adult by my parents. They would call the apartment early in the morning to see if I was there. They would also stop by unannounced in the early morning hours. I went to work during the week and left my apartment by 7:40 a.m., so they were there pretty early. My roommate didn't really appreciate being woke up. It was extremely embarrassing.To them, it was all about maintaining control of me.
My parents eventually moved to another State. Even though they were hundreds of miles away, they still had a manipulating control over me. During this time, I searched for someone to love me. I thought if I found someone to love me that things would get better. Unfortunately during this time my faith was not strong enough and I fell.
My Story - Part 1 - Broken Child
My Story - Part 3 - Lost Young Adult
My Story - Part 4 - Lost to Found
My Story - Part 5 - Our New Family