I met a man just a month after my eighteen birthday. I was so hungry for love that I pursued him. We dated for a little over a year and then he proposed. We married the following December. I was only twenty years old, he was thirty. I knew that I shouldn't have married him. I didn't know how to love, let alone truly receive love. I didn't know how to be in a marriage. I didn't know what it meant to be married.
I was also not in a place emotionally to be married. There were many times that I would go hide in our upstairs closet and cry. I would cry out to God and asked him to take me. I didn't want to live anymore. I didn't want to be on this earth. I was an emotional wreck.
It was also during this time that I reestablished a relationship with my biological father. I was extremely bitter and I don't remember much about our first few times together. I know that I treated him badly. I was so full of anger and resentment. I do remember, however, that I did forgive him and I would go see him throughout my first marriage.
My first marriage was short. We divorced after less than two years. The divorce was my fault. I had strayed. I didn't think I was getting enough attention from my husband, so I looked for it outside my marriage. I still remember the look on his face when I said I was leaving. It breaks my heart.
During the separation and divorce my mother told me that she was supporting my husband completely, that he was their son. I felt abandoned. She was my mother and she abandoned me to support a man she barely knew.
After my divorce, I was even more ashamed than I had ever been. What had I done? I was even more broken than I had ever been. All of the guilt from my childhood, mixed with the guilt of my adolescence, mixed with the guilt of my early adult life, turned me into a cold, bitter person. I didn't know who I was. I didn't know why I was even on this earth. I shut down emotionally.
I dated several men after my divorce. I mainly dated men who were not nice to me because that was what I felt I deserved. I dated men who treated me like I was nothing. If I did end up dating someone who treated me nicely, I would ruin it. I would sabotage the relationship because I didn't feel I deserved it.
A few years after my divorce I was set up on a date with a guy I had a crush on in high school. I couldn't believe he wanted to date me because I wasn't good enough to date in high school. It was exciting that he finally wanted me. But, really, he didn't. We dated for awhile. When he was nice to me, he was extremely nice, but when he was mean, he was extremely mean. He also drank a lot. When he came to my apartment one night to propose, he was drunk. After he proposed he sat down and continued to drink. He couldn't even get through proposing without drinking.
We had a wedding date set, the church and reception hall reserved. My biological dad told me that he wanted to buy my wedding dress. I was so excited. My dad was buying my wedding dress! My step-mom took me shopping and we found a beautiful dress (and it was on the clearance rack..bonus!).
During our engagement I found myself saying that I didn't want any children. My friends knew that was not my true feelings at all. Finally one day I realized why I was saying I didn't want children, it was because I didn't want to have children with the man I was engaged to marry. He drank heavily and I didn't want to bring children into that environment. I called off my engagement seven months before our wedding.
The months after calling off my engagement I had friends who wanted to set me up on blind dates. The men that they would set me up with made me question their friendship. I was amazed at who my friends thought I would like to date.
On August 22, 2002, my roommate asked me to go to dinner with her, her boyfriend and a couple of his friends. I originally told her no. I didn't want to be fixed up again. I did end up going, but I said I was going as I was. I wasn't going to fix my hair or change my clothes.
Little did I know that blind date would end up changing my life forever. That blind date lead to the greatest sorrow I have ever felt and the greatest joy. That blind date lead me to a life I never dreamed of. That blind date lead me to a relationship with God that I never thought I would have or deserved.
My Story - Part 1- Broken Child
My Story - Part 2 - Up and Down Adolescence
My Story - Part 4 - Lost to Found
My Story - Part 5 - Our New Family