Sunday, November 4, 2012

My Story - Part 4 Lost to Found

From the very first day I met my second husband, we were inseparable. I believe we spent time with each other every day since that blind date on August 22nd. At the end of November, we were walking around the mall and I pointed to a jewelry store and jokingly said "hey, let's go in here and look at rings."

What happened?

He called my bluff and took me into the jewelry store to look at rings.

WHAT?!?!

Who does that? Who goes and looks at rings with a girl he's only been dating three months?

After browsing through the ring section, we left the store. While walking along he said "Why don't we get married?" I said "Ha! You're funny." The only other part of the conversation I remember took place in front of JC Penney where he said "I'm serious. I'm not joking. Lets get married."

And that, my friends, is how he proposed.

We ended up getting married four weeks later on December 29th. We chose that date for two reasons.

1 - It was his birthday and he figured he would never forget our anniversary.
2 - His brother was in town from New York.

What other reasons do you really need, right? Seriously, if any of my children come home telling me a story like this I do not know what I will do!

The first six years of our marriage was a blur of babies (4 in the first 4 years), selfishness, sinfulness, anger, bitterness, resentment, unfaithfulness and so much hurt. We were living separate lives while we were married. We were both unfaithful to each other, me in my thoughts, him in his actions. I was so unhappy that I used to imagine what it would be like to be married to someone else. I didn't have anyone in particular in mind, my thoughts would just wander to what it would be like if I was married to someone who treated me better, someone who cherished me, someone who was my comforter and protector. I would watch romantic movies and my mind would wander off into a place where the grass is greener. A place, that I know, doesn't exist.

My first pregnancy was so exciting to me. I wanted to be a mom more than anything. We didn't find out what we were having, which terrified me quite a bit. I was afraid to have a little girl. I was afraid that I would not have a close relationship if I had a little girl because there are no lasting mother-daughter relationships on my mother's side that I know of. Our first child ended up being a boy, who stubbornly came out 13 days late, and barely left my arms after he was born.

My second pregnancy we decided to find out what we were having. Unfortunately, our little baby did not want to cooperate at the ultrasound. At my appointment the following month, the nurse (who was a friend) asked if we knew if we were having a boy or a girl. I told her that at the ultrasound our little baby did not cooperate. She left the room, came back a minute later to get me and snuck me in really quick to see if we could find out. I waited patiently and then the technician said "It's a girl!" I cried. I was terrified. I didn't know how to be a mom to a girl. I didn't want that little girl to grow up and not be close with me. I didn't want to not be there for her when she becomes a wife and mother and anything else she could possibly need me for. I can honestly say that all that fear disappeared when that sweet little girl was put in my arms. I fell in love. I knew that I would never treat her the way I had been treated. I knew that I could change the way mother-daughter relationships are in our family. .

My third pregnancy, in our fourth year of marriage, ended up being twins. Half way through the pregnancy I ended up in pre-term labor. I spend three days in the hospital. Three days alone in a hospital room watching a monitor with your babies heart rates and another one showing your contractions, is a long three days! Our marriage wasn't healthy. I had two small children at home who were both under three. I was laying in a hospital bed full of fear of losing my two precious babies that I already loved so much.

I wept.

I wept to my Heavenly Father to forgive me.

I prayed.

I prayed to my Heavenly Father to protect the twins.

I knew that I had no control. I gave my babies over to him. I gave my pregnancy over to him. I gave my life over to him.

I was so lost for so long, but my Heavenly Father welcomed me back like I had never left.

My pregnant went to 35 weeks and our twins, one boy, one girl, were each born healthy five pound babies. I was so thankful. Six months after the twins were born, my husband took a job in another state. That moved changed our lives and ended up saving our marriage.

My Story - Part 1 - A Broken Child 
My Story - Part 2 - Up and Down Adolescence
My Story - Part 3 - Lost Young Adult
My Story - Part 5 - Our New Family

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