Skip to main content

Today Is My Birthday - Looking Forward To A New Year

Image
By Home with Tracy
There are three things I remember from last year's birthday. All of them have to do with loss.

First, all of our kids made me paper airplanes with China written on them. We were in the process of adopting Lucas. He was already in my heart and I couldn't wait to hold him in my arms. We were just getting the last paperwork together to finish up our home study and our dossier. I thought it would only be a few more months until I could see him, hold him, love him, comfort him.

Second, I received a message from my youngest brother on Facebook. He asked me if it was my birthday or my husband's, since we share a joint Facebook account. I laughed because I always get his birthday and our other brother's birthday mixed up. We message back and forth a few times. It was so sweet. We didn't get to grow up together. I think it was the first time he had ever wished me a happy birthday.

Third, I remember that I did not receive a phone call from my grandma to tell me happy birthday. She always called. But, honestly, I didn't let it bother me because I knew she wasn't feeling well.

Little did I know that I would never board an airplane to go get Lucas. In my heart he was already my son, but I would never be able to hold him. Seven months after my birthday we stopped the adoption process. My heart breaks still to this day and I mourn the loss of Lucas. I mourn the loss of a son I never got to hold in my arms. That may not make sense to some, but that is how I feel. I feel like I lost a child. I pray that God already has a forever family ready to pick him up.

Little did I know that the messages back and forth with my brother would be the last messages ever written to me by him. I didn't know that he would be gone just six weeks later. Had I known, I would have wrote him more. I would have said more. I looked back to re-read the messages on Facebook, but they had already been deleted.

Little did I know that this year I will not get a phone call from my grandma again. This time, it is not because she is sick, it is because she passed away a few weeks ago. I'll always remember her phone calls. Always.

I am thankful for a new year. It is my last year in my thirties, which doesn't seem possible. Am I the only mom who started to forget how old she was when she had to start remembering how old her kids are?

So as I look forward to this new year, I pray that the only losses I will see this year will be on my bathroom scale and in inches off my body. As I look forward, I will also cherish the blessings that God has given me. Even through the losses, He has blessed me.

Labels

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

An Update on Our Adoption Journey

By Home with Tracy
We have come to the decision to stop the adoption process of Lucas. It was not a decision that we came to quickly. It was not an easy decision. It was a decision that breaks the heart of each one of us in our family. We have shed many tears and I am sure we will shed many more. Our children still include him in their prayers every night and talk about him often. To us, he was already a member of our family. There are many factors that we took into consideration before making this decision. We are all hurting and feeling the loss of this precious little boy. We already had Lucas in our home and our hearts. I cry when I look at his bed that we already had made for him, just waiting for him to come home so we could tuck him in. Even though we feel this is the right decision, there is a big part of me that is still hoping and praying for a miracle to happen so we can bring him home. I am not going to go into great detail about the specifics. If you would like to know more, please...
2 comments
Read more

Letting go of the boy, so he can become a man.

By Home with Tracy
Rain! We thought the rain would never stop. It seemed to rain every day for over a week. All the while, our lawn continued to grow and grow. When there was finally a break in the rain, the lawn seemed to stand two feet tall. Our oldest son has taken on the responsibility of mowing the lawn. He was so happy when his dad told him that he could mow on his own. He longs to please his dad. He longs to make him happy. He longs for his approval. Of course, he doesn't have to mow in order to do or receive any of those things. He has been a daddy's boy since the day he came into the world and we found out we had a son. Our son went out to tackle mowing the lawn. He had been asking me every day if he could mow and today I was finally able to say yes, that it was dry enough. He had been out there mowing for about 20 minutes when he came in for a drink. He was dripping with sweat. My heart sunk for my boy, for how difficult the task he was attempting to complete. I told him that I...
9 comments
Read more

Romania... are you sure?

By
A few weeks back I received a call from one of our church members telling me that God put my name on his heart during his prayer time that morning and he wanted me to pray about going to Romania. WHAT??? I can't go to Romania, I have 4 children, I can't leave them for a week! I, of course, did not say this to him, I instead said that I would pray about it. Immediately I sent my husband an email telling him about the phone call. He instantly sent me a message back asking what we had to do to make it happen. Wait a minute....he does realize the kids aren't going with me, doesn't he? That evening we were sitting with our children looking at the globe. We showed them where they were born and where they live now. Suddenly, my youngest daughter spins the globe, points her little finger and says "where is that". Of all places, she pointed to Romania. I have often told friends that I need a postcard of clarity from God. I think that was definitely a postcard in the fo...
Post a Comment
Read more