Home with Tracy

I stand in the kitchen making my coffee and my daughter comes in to join me. I must confess, when I hear her coming, I envision her in piggy tails. I envision that I am going to need to look down to see her. I envision that I am going to need to kneel to get down to her sweet little face and look into her beautiful bright eyes. What I envision, is simply memories. She now stands up tall to my shoulders. There is no longer a need to kneel down to her level. She is almost eye to eye. She asks if she can make herself some toast. As I watched her moving around the kitchen as if it were her own, I couldn't help but remember when I used to make her toast for her. I couldn't help but remember when I first started teaching her how to prepare her own foods. Those moments flew by so fast. There is no longer a need for me to tell her how hot the toaster gets. There is no longer a need for me to help her get things out of the cupboards, she simply has to reach up to get them h...

Dear Adoptive Mom Who Didn't Adopt, It is difficult to express the loss of a child through a failed adoption. It is difficult for people to understand. But I am here to let you know that I understand. I understand your pain. I understand your loss. I have felt your heartbreak. I have cried your tears. You don't start the process of an adoption thinking the end result would be a bed that is still empty. You don't think that there will be a seat at the table that wont be filled. You don't think of all the goodnight kisses that will never be given. You don't think that you will never give comforting hugs, letting your child know you will always be there mommy. You don't start the process of an adoption thinking you will come out at the end without your child. It is difficult because the people around you may not respond to your loss. They may not realize that you are grieving the loss of that child. Your child. They may not realize that even though you never ...

As they woke up on Thanksgiving morning, they were blessed with a gift. A simple gift that was provided by God. Snow! Until recently, we have lived in Tennessee. We would get a dusting of snow, but nothing they could really play in. This is the first year they have snow pants and snow boots. When we bought their snow pants and boots, you would have thought we gave them the world. So excited! My oldest son noticed the snow and shouted with excitement. The rest of them ran to the door and more excitement ensued. They didn't want to eat breakfast, they just wanted to get on their snow gear and head outside. Yes, I told them they had to eat first.  I watched them play. I watched their simple joy. Their overwhelming joy. My youngest daughter came in and asked for a small carrot. There was not a whole lot of snow, but she managed to make a snowman (snowgirl, as she calls it, complete with a dress) and wanted a carrot nose. To her, it was amazingly fun and exciting to make her ver...

A year ago today I received a phone call from my grandma that my youngest brother had taken his life. He was only 26 years old. He left behind a wife, who was 8 months pregnant, and an 18 month old son. When I first heard of my brother's passing, I was filled with shock and disbelief. Since then I have gone through periods of sadness, anger and finally acceptance. As I sat at his funeral, and I saw all the people that loved him fill the room from corner to corner and out into the hall, I couldn't help but wonder if he had known, truly known, how much he was loved and how many loved him, would he have changed his mind? I kept hearing how he always had a smile on his face, that he was always happy, and that he would be the last person anyone would expect to take his own life. I don't know why he thought that taking his life was the only answer. I will never know. If you are in a place where you think suicide is the only way to relieve the pain, make you forg...

I was having a discussion with my children the other day about how we have to be purposeful when it comes to joy. Unfortunately, we can easily fall into negativity, anger, bitterness. Last week the kids and I attended VBS. The motto for VBS this year was Facing Fear, Trusting God. The verse for the week was was 2 Timothy 1:7. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." Growing up, I always feared my parents. This fear remained with me through my adulthood. If I would get an email from them, or a phone call, I would get a terrible pit in my stomach and I would feel sick. God used last weeks VBS to speak to me, to face my fear, to trust in Him and Him alone. He provided me courage and comfort. Last week I received an email from my mother. We have not had a relationship over the past 10 years. It is my choice and I do so because I am a better, healthier mom when I do not have contact with her or my second father. In the...

It has been a rough 9 months for me. With the unexpected death of my youngest brother by him taking his own life, to stopping the adoption process of a little boy I already had in my heart and could see in our home, to the death of my grandmother last week. I have been numb. I have been getting up in the morning with the hopes of just getting through the day and making it until bedtime. As I was driving yesterday and listening to worship music, I had a revelation come into my thoughts. I am not living intentionally. My days are not my days, they are His days and I am not living them for Him or His purpose. I have felt like I have been living in a fog. I would get up in the morning, slowly get around to get the kids breakfast, halfheartedly get them to do their chores and schoolwork, and I could not wait until lunch because I knew afterwards there would be rest time and I could get a break. A break from what, I have no idea, since I really wasn't doing anything. After rest time ...

These past few months I have felt overwhelmed. I just can't seem to get caught up, let alone ahead. It started back in August when my youngest brother took his life. I went numb for awhile. I stopped meal planning, stopped getting daily things done around the house, stopped freezer cooking, stopped basically everything. I thought I was getting back on my feet, but then in February we came to the difficult decision to stop the adoption process of a precious little boy in China. Again, I went numb and grieved. And then this week, my (paternal) grandma passed away. Her memorial service is today, but I am unable to attend. I am thankful that I was able to talk to her on the phone on the last day she was able to communicate. My grandma was the one person who truly was there for me my entire life. After my parent's divorced, she fought to keep my brother and I in her life. She was always there for me and her home was always a safe place for me. As I looked around my house lately,...

My husband had been gone at a conference for three days. It was three long days of everyone in the house being sick. When he returned, I tried to sneak away to our bedroom so I could watch a video I just received, Tea with Michelle Duggar . I was sitting in my bedroom watching the video and I had my Bible next to me so I could look up verses Michelle referenced. It wasn't long before my time alone ended and I was joined by my twins. About five minutes into their arrival, Michelle referenced a Bible verse. I picked up my Bible and began looking up the verse. While I was reading, my son got up and left the room. My son is a very active five year old and cannot sit still for long, so I figured he was just bouncing on to the next thing that would catch his attention. Just a moment later he returned, sat down beside me and handed me his Bible. He asked me to turn in his Bible to where I was in my Bible. (I should tell you, he cannot read...yet.) At that moment, it dawne...

I haven't blogged in awhile. I haven't felt like it. I have been suffocating in self-pity for the past week. Since we announced that we are adopting, I have been met with reactions I didn't anticipate. I remember when I announced each of my pregnancies, it was received with excitement and encouragement. I thought that would be the case when we announced our adoption too. After all, we are being blessed with a son. That is exciting, right? Since I didn't expect it, it was rather difficult for me to digest. I got angry, I got depressed, I was hurt. I have spent the week just being sad. I spent the week doubting. Things are not going as I thought they would. Hmmm, did you read that last sentence? There in lies the problem. Things are not supposed to go the way I think they should go. Things are supposed to go the way He has planned.  This morning, before my husband left for work, he told me about his quiet time. His words were so encouraging. I realized so many...

When I started my blog, I was a completely different person than I am now. I was looking at my blog URL the other day and was thinking that I should change it. faithful               journey              through              struggles As I look back at the person I was when I started this blog, what we were going through as a family, what my attitude was, I am thankful that God is a God of grace, forgiveness and mercy. I am thankful that He changed me. I struggled as a wife. I didn't want to be one. I struggled as a mom. I didn't know how to be a mom that God wanted me to be. I struggled with not being good enough. I struggled as a child of God. I didn't turn to Him daily. I didn't have an intentional relationship with Him. But then the more I thought about changing my blog URL, I realized I don't want to change it. I don't want to forget where I was. I don't want to ...

My husband and I had our first child 9 months after we were married. Our second followed 17 months later. Our twins arrived 20 months after her. Four children in three years! All of my pregnancies ended with me having a c-section. Our first child was 13 days late, face forward and had his head tilted. We tried for two days to get him to come out on his own, but he wouldn't. Our second child was laying sideways. And she was perfectly content staying that way. With the twins I went into pre-term labor around week 22. I made it to around 35 weeks. Our son, who was in the first position, was up on my left side under my ribs. While laying on the operating table, I overheard the doctor say "Is that an arm?" when they went in to get him. He was hiding well. Our daughter was head down and ready to go. Because I had three c-sections in three years, the doctors strongly recommended that I get my tubes tied. I didn't want to. I was only 32 years old. I wanted to have...

If you ask my children what Christmas is about, they will tell you "Christmas is not about gifts, it is about baby Jesus."  But Christmas ... it is about a gift.  A very special gift that was given to us by our Heavenly Father.  It is the gift of eternal life through His son, Jesus.  I can think of no greater gift.  Then the Angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God.  And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bring forth a Son, and shall call His name JESUS. Luke 1:30-31 One of my favorite songs is Mary, Did You Know?  I like just about every version I have heard.  Mary, did you know that your baby boy ...would one day walk on water? ...would save our sons and daughters? ... has come to make you new?  This child that you delivered will soon deliver you. Mary, did you know that your baby boy ...will give sight to a blind man? ... would calm a storm with His hands? ... has walked wh...

I was recently contacted by  Forgotten Voices . Their organization has a mission ... "to demonstrate the love of Christ by equipping local churches in southern Africa to meet the physical and spiritual needs of children orphaned by AIDS in their communities." They sent me a link to one of their Thanksgiving Cubes that they created for children in order to encourage children to think of how they can give back to others.  What a great idea! I printed off the children's cube and right away my 8 year wanted to complete it.  He took it in his room, answered the questions, completed the dot-to-dot, colored it and taped it together.  He loved it.  I liked it because it made him reflect on what he can be thankful for when it comes to our family.  I liked how it made him reflect on what he could do to help other kids. I liked how it told him a story of a child a little older than him and how he was blessed by received 2 rabbits.  We teach our ch...

There has been a question going around facebook for a while now.  "What if you only had in the morning what you thanked God for the night before?" What would I have? What would you have? That question changed the way I pray.  First and foremost I am thankful for all my Heavenly Father provides for our family.  He supplies all of our needs. I am thankful for ... My Heavenly Father who has loved me longer than anyone.  He knows all of my sins, my faults, my thoughts and He stills loves me more than anyone. Jesus.  That He came to earth to die for my sins that I may be forgiven.  He took up the cross for me.  Praise the One who paid my debt!  That He rose again.  That one day His Father will say Son, go get my children.  That I am one of His children. My Husband and our marriage that God has transformed.  Only He could give us the marriage we have today. Our children.  Our children are blessings.  Our children...

Last month our family received unexpected blessings.  I took those blessings and added to our pantry and our freezer.  I bought things I knew I could use for meals so I would always have something on hand and not have the excuse of eating out or having my husband pick something up on his way home from work. Little did I know then that those blessings would be something that would turn into a bigger blessing.  You see, I lost my job yesterday.  I saw the signs that it was coming, so I wasn't in complete shock. I can honestly say that if this would have happened a year ago, I would have been distraught.  I wouldn't have been prepared.  I would be full of fear.  But since I have put my whole life, children, home, needs, everything in Jesus, I know that we will be taken care of. I can take this time to focus more on Him.  I can take this time to focus more on my husband.  I can take this time to focus more on my children.  I can take t...

My parents divorced when I was around 3 years old. When I was 5 years old, my mother remarried. Within the first year of their marriage, my father signed away his parental rights and I was adopted by my step-father. At first, I don't think it bothered me too much, I was young and didn't realize what was going on. But later in life I struggled with it, almost daily. I knew who my father was. I knew his face. I knew his voice. I knew his laugh. I clearly remember it. That is what was hard. I knew he was out there, but I just wasn't allowed to see him. I understand that my parent's divorce was painful on both of them, however, I don't think they understood how painful it was on me. There were several times growing up that I felt like a piece of property, instead of a child. When I would go and see my paternal grandmother, she would make me go hide in the laundry room when my dad would come and pick up my little half-brothers. I remember sobbing in the ...