Home with Tracy

Rain! We thought the rain would never stop. It seemed to rain every day for over a week. All the while, our lawn continued to grow and grow. When there was finally a break in the rain, the lawn seemed to stand two feet tall. Our oldest son has taken on the responsibility of mowing the lawn. He was so happy when his dad told him that he could mow on his own. He longs to please his dad. He longs to make him happy. He longs for his approval. Of course, he doesn't have to mow in order to do or receive any of those things. He has been a daddy's boy since the day he came into the world and we found out we had a son. Our son went out to tackle mowing the lawn. He had been asking me every day if he could mow and today I was finally able to say yes, that it was dry enough. He had been out there mowing for about 20 minutes when he came in for a drink. He was dripping with sweat. My heart sunk for my boy, for how difficult the task he was attempting to complete. I told him that I...

Good morning, Moms! I am sitting here with my four children, enjoying my second cup of coffee after completing my morning bible study. I am a little tired because a couple of my children kept me up a bit past my bedtime. If I am completely honest here, it was way past my bedtime. The older I get the earlier I am ready for bed. One of my daughter's came in my room three different times to tell me about the book she was reading. She has been reading a series that has, a few times, brought her to me with tears streaming down her cheeks. Last night, however, the story was ending and there was some happy moments. She simply could not wait til morning to tell me. This is the same girl who, a couple years ago, refused to read. She wanted nothing to do with reading at all. Now she gets so in to the stories that she is emotionally connected. It is great to witness this transformation in her. After my daughter went back to bed, for the fourth time, I started to drift off to sleep .......

I stand in the kitchen making my coffee and my daughter comes in to join me. I must confess, when I hear her coming, I envision her in piggy tails. I envision that I am going to need to look down to see her. I envision that I am going to need to kneel to get down to her sweet little face and look into her beautiful bright eyes. What I envision, is simply memories. She now stands up tall to my shoulders. There is no longer a need to kneel down to her level. She is almost eye to eye. She asks if she can make herself some toast. As I watched her moving around the kitchen as if it were her own, I couldn't help but remember when I used to make her toast for her. I couldn't help but remember when I first started teaching her how to prepare her own foods. Those moments flew by so fast. There is no longer a need for me to tell her how hot the toaster gets. There is no longer a need for me to help her get things out of the cupboards, she simply has to reach up to get them h...

Dear Adoptive Mom Who Didn't Adopt, It is difficult to express the loss of a child through a failed adoption. It is difficult for people to understand. But I am here to let you know that I understand. I understand your pain. I understand your loss. I have felt your heartbreak. I have cried your tears. You don't start the process of an adoption thinking the end result would be a bed that is still empty. You don't think that there will be a seat at the table that wont be filled. You don't think of all the goodnight kisses that will never be given. You don't think that you will never give comforting hugs, letting your child know you will always be there mommy. You don't start the process of an adoption thinking you will come out at the end without your child. It is difficult because the people around you may not respond to your loss. They may not realize that you are grieving the loss of that child. Your child. They may not realize that even though you never ...

As they woke up on Thanksgiving morning, they were blessed with a gift. A simple gift that was provided by God. Snow! Until recently, we have lived in Tennessee. We would get a dusting of snow, but nothing they could really play in. This is the first year they have snow pants and snow boots. When we bought their snow pants and boots, you would have thought we gave them the world. So excited! My oldest son noticed the snow and shouted with excitement. The rest of them ran to the door and more excitement ensued. They didn't want to eat breakfast, they just wanted to get on their snow gear and head outside. Yes, I told them they had to eat first.  I watched them play. I watched their simple joy. Their overwhelming joy. My youngest daughter came in and asked for a small carrot. There was not a whole lot of snow, but she managed to make a snowman (snowgirl, as she calls it, complete with a dress) and wanted a carrot nose. To her, it was amazingly fun and exciting to make her ver...

My children have been asking to put up our Christmas tree for a couple weeks. I kept saying no, it is too early. Then I came across a post on Facebook from another mother that changed my mind. She said that they put up their Christmas tree and then she explained why. She stated the she knew it was early and there would be people who disagreed with her decision. She stated that her children were young and excited. That they would only be young for a short amount of time. That post changed my thinking. My children are all now at the age where they are becoming more and more self-sufficient every day. I am already past half my time with my son and quickly coming to half my time with my other three. They will all be grown and out starting their own families quicker than I want to realize. I only have a few more years of this amazing excitement that fills our walls. I only have a few more years to fill their minds with joyful memories. They gathered the storage totes full of ornaments. ...

I have known for years. I have felt it in my heart. I have known it in my mind. Yet today, is when I finally found acceptance. I am a pretty logical person. I tend to see things for what they truly are, that is, except for one area in my life. My dad. My dad gave me up for a step-parent adoption when I was 5 years old. I always thought he was tricked or that he didn't really mean to do it. I mean, who could give up their daughter after being with her for the first 5 years of her life? It didn't help that my mother and adoptive father told me that I was not wanted by my dad. No child should ever be told they are unwanted. But, it was true. It doesn't make it right that they said it. It doesn't make it easy to accept. I have always been treated differently by my dad and step-mother. I always thought it was just because my dad wasn't in my life for thirteen years. I started really noticing that I wasn't really his daughter when I had children of my own. Whe...

My daughters are seven and eight years old. When they were younger, they would always want to be in the kitchen with me. I would like to say that I encouraged it, but I did not. I was always trying to just get to get things done quickly so everyone could eat. I deeply regret the way I acted. My eight year old helping me make peach cobbler. I regret that I did not encourage them to be in the kitchen with me while they were so eager to be. I regret always being in a hurry and just trying to get things done.  My seven year old making oven baked tacos. I know that there is still time to teach them. I know they are still young, but I miss the eagerness that my eight year old once had. She is slowly getting it back, the more I ask her to help out.  I regret that they saw me just trying to get things done and they didn't see the joy that being a homemaker brings me. I adore my family and preparing meals for them, maintaining the house (well...attempting) and hom...

A year ago today I received a phone call from my grandma that my youngest brother had taken his life. He was only 26 years old. He left behind a wife, who was 8 months pregnant, and an 18 month old son. When I first heard of my brother's passing, I was filled with shock and disbelief. Since then I have gone through periods of sadness, anger and finally acceptance. As I sat at his funeral, and I saw all the people that loved him fill the room from corner to corner and out into the hall, I couldn't help but wonder if he had known, truly known, how much he was loved and how many loved him, would he have changed his mind? I kept hearing how he always had a smile on his face, that he was always happy, and that he would be the last person anyone would expect to take his own life. I don't know why he thought that taking his life was the only answer. I will never know. If you are in a place where you think suicide is the only way to relieve the pain, make you forg...

There are three things I remember from last year's birthday. All of them have to do with loss. First, all of our kids made me paper airplanes with China written on them. We were in the process of adopting Lucas. He was already in my heart and I couldn't wait to hold him in my arms. We were just getting the last paperwork together to finish up our home study and our dossier. I thought it would only be a few more months until I could see him, hold him, love him, comfort him. Second, I received a message from my youngest brother on Facebook. He asked me if it was my birthday or my husband's, since we share a joint Facebook account. I laughed because I always get his birthday and our other brother's birthday mixed up. We message back and forth a few times. It was so sweet. We didn't get to grow up together. I think it was the first time he had ever wished me a happy birthday. Third, I remember that I did not receive a phone call from my grandma to tell me happy bi...

I was having a discussion with my children the other day about how we have to be purposeful when it comes to joy. Unfortunately, we can easily fall into negativity, anger, bitterness. Last week the kids and I attended VBS. The motto for VBS this year was Facing Fear, Trusting God. The verse for the week was was 2 Timothy 1:7. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." Growing up, I always feared my parents. This fear remained with me through my adulthood. If I would get an email from them, or a phone call, I would get a terrible pit in my stomach and I would feel sick. God used last weeks VBS to speak to me, to face my fear, to trust in Him and Him alone. He provided me courage and comfort. Last week I received an email from my mother. We have not had a relationship over the past 10 years. It is my choice and I do so because I am a better, healthier mom when I do not have contact with her or my second father. In the...

It has been a rough 9 months for me. With the unexpected death of my youngest brother by him taking his own life, to stopping the adoption process of a little boy I already had in my heart and could see in our home, to the death of my grandmother last week. I have been numb. I have been getting up in the morning with the hopes of just getting through the day and making it until bedtime. As I was driving yesterday and listening to worship music, I had a revelation come into my thoughts. I am not living intentionally. My days are not my days, they are His days and I am not living them for Him or His purpose. I have felt like I have been living in a fog. I would get up in the morning, slowly get around to get the kids breakfast, halfheartedly get them to do their chores and schoolwork, and I could not wait until lunch because I knew afterwards there would be rest time and I could get a break. A break from what, I have no idea, since I really wasn't doing anything. After rest time ...

These past few months I have felt overwhelmed. I just can't seem to get caught up, let alone ahead. It started back in August when my youngest brother took his life. I went numb for awhile. I stopped meal planning, stopped getting daily things done around the house, stopped freezer cooking, stopped basically everything. I thought I was getting back on my feet, but then in February we came to the difficult decision to stop the adoption process of a precious little boy in China. Again, I went numb and grieved. And then this week, my (paternal) grandma passed away. Her memorial service is today, but I am unable to attend. I am thankful that I was able to talk to her on the phone on the last day she was able to communicate. My grandma was the one person who truly was there for me my entire life. After my parent's divorced, she fought to keep my brother and I in her life. She was always there for me and her home was always a safe place for me. As I looked around my house lately,...

My husband had to go deliver a grant application for work yesterday. The building where it had to be delivered just happened to be around the corner from the State Capitol, so we decided to make a family field trip out of it. Note to self for next field trip ... BRING CAMERA! We had to park downtown, which led to a new exciting experience for half of the children. What could this new exciting experience possibly be? Parking meters. Yep, you read correctly, parking meters. Each of the kids took turns putting quarters in the parking meter and giggled the entire time. At one point a lady walked past with the most peculiar look on her face. Apparently she must have been wondering about these parking meters too. I'm sure it wasn't because we looked like country homeschooling folk whose kids have never been to the City. No, that couldn't be it. Our first stop was to drop off my husband's grant application. We reminded the children before we went in the building that this ...

We have come to the decision to stop the adoption process of Lucas. It was not a decision that we came to quickly. It was not an easy decision. It was a decision that breaks the heart of each one of us in our family. We have shed many tears and I am sure we will shed many more. Our children still include him in their prayers every night and talk about him often. To us, he was already a member of our family. There are many factors that we took into consideration before making this decision. We are all hurting and feeling the loss of this precious little boy. We already had Lucas in our home and our hearts. I cry when I look at his bed that we already had made for him, just waiting for him to come home so we could tuck him in. Even though we feel this is the right decision, there is a big part of me that is still hoping and praying for a miracle to happen so we can bring him home. I am not going to go into great detail about the specifics. If you would like to know more, please...

I am very much a home body. I love being home with my kids and I am completely content never leaving. I am trying to change this...slowly. Today the kids and I ventured out to take our two, four month old puppies for their veterinary appointment. I told the kids to get on their shoes and coats and told the boys to get the dogs on their leashes. My oldest daughter could not find one of her boots, so we all stopped what we were doing and looked for it in their room. We couldn't find it. I told her to just throw on her tennis shoes because we were going to be late. The boys put on their shoes, hooked the puppies to their leashes and then tried to get their coats on while trying to hold on to the puppies. It was not going so well. My daughter was taking her time getting her shoes untied so she could put them on so I went over to help her. As I was kneeling down to help her, I found my daughter's boot under the coffee table. I don't know why it took so long to find it since ...

There are times when I worry. I worry about things I have no control over. I worry about things I don't need to worry about. I pray that my worrying will stop. And then ... God blesses me with giggles. I was deep in thought.               Wondering.                    Thinking.                         Worrying. It had been a couple of days of my stomach turning and my mind just being filled with questions. It wasn't huge worries. It was just day to day worrying about day to day things. I couldn't stop my mind. I couldn't stop my stomach from turning.  God knew. He knew my thoughts. He knew my worries. He knew that I didn't really have any reason for either.  God blessed me with giggles. I was sitting in the van on the way back from a long day out. I...

My husband had been gone at a conference for three days. It was three long days of everyone in the house being sick. When he returned, I tried to sneak away to our bedroom so I could watch a video I just received, Tea with Michelle Duggar . I was sitting in my bedroom watching the video and I had my Bible next to me so I could look up verses Michelle referenced. It wasn't long before my time alone ended and I was joined by my twins. About five minutes into their arrival, Michelle referenced a Bible verse. I picked up my Bible and began looking up the verse. While I was reading, my son got up and left the room. My son is a very active five year old and cannot sit still for long, so I figured he was just bouncing on to the next thing that would catch his attention. Just a moment later he returned, sat down beside me and handed me his Bible. He asked me to turn in his Bible to where I was in my Bible. (I should tell you, he cannot read...yet.) At that moment, it dawne...

Back at the end of 2011, there were several mom blogs that were asking what one word you would choose to describe 2012. I drew a blank....for a long time. Finally, I have my word. INTENTIONAL! I am going to be intentional about studying God's Word and spending daily time with Him. I am going to be intentional about being the wife that God wants me to be, the wife that my husband deserves. I am going to be intentional about being the mother God wants me to be, the mother that my children deserve. I am going to be intentional about being a homemaker that God wants me to be, a homemaker that brings glory to God. I am going to be intentional about my daily attitude. I am going to be intentional about my daily attitude. Yes, I know I typed that one twice, it was intentional. Intentional is defined as "done with intention or on purpose." What are my intentions for the day? Do they glorify God? Are my intentions, or my purpose, accomplishing what I need...

I've been struggling with something for a while now. My struggle has caused me to hide out in my house and not want to go out into the world. What is my struggle? Women treating other women in a negative matter. Women talking about other women in a negative matter. More to the point - I struggle with the way moms treat other moms. We moved down south from Michigan about 5 years ago. I was excited for the change. My excitement was quickly squashed with the negativity I received. Unfortunately, there are still some people down south who do not care for people from the north. This has been a struggle the entire time I have lived down here. I simply do not fit in. My feeling is that I don't care where you are from. If you are a woman, we have something in common and we should support each other and lift each other up. If you are a mom, we have even more in common and we should support each other and lift each other up. It doesn't matter if you are a working mom or a s...