Thursday, October 6, 2011

I Wouldn't Change A Thing

Five years ago today we were blessed with our precious twins.  My pregnancy with them was so much more than I ever thought it would be.  My pregnancy with them made me realize just how lost I was.

For starters, I was surprised to find out I was pregnant.  It had been a crazy month and that was really the last thing I expected.  The middle of the month prior I had lost my job because the law firm I was working at closed down.  The night of my last day of work I ended up taking our 11 month old daughter to the ER for a high fever.  She ended up being admitted and I lived there with her for three days.

Pretty much right away after I found out I was pregnant, I could tell something was different.  I felt different.  I grew really quickly.  When I would talk about how big I was getting so quickly I was told it was most likely because it was my third pregnancy in three years.  I still knew something was different.

I went for a regular twelve week check up and the doctor said that I was measuring around sixteen weeks.  He told me that he thought my due date was off so he ordered an ultrasound to get an accurate date.  While back there I told the technician that I thought there were two.  A few moments later I noticed that the screen seem to split in two.  I saw two heads.  Just as I was going to ask the technician if something was wrong with the screen she stated that there were two! I asked her if she could be the one to tell my husband, but she kindly stated no.  She printed off pictures for me to take back to him.  The first one just had one baby.  The second one had one baby and an arm of the other baby, which looked like it was waving.  The final picture had both of them.

Around twenty-four weeks pregnant I had a lot of back pain.  It was a different pain than I had ever experienced.  I called my doctor about it and they told me to go to the ER and get checked out.  I drove myself because I really didn't think anything was wrong.  Shortly after getting there I was hooked up to monitors and they confirmed that I was in pre-term labor.  I was admitted to the hospital and stayed there for three days.  I had three days alone in a room with monitors hooked up to me that monitored my sweet babies and the labor that I didn't want to happen.  I was afraid.  I was alone.  Or so I thought.

Those moments of silence in the hospital. Those moments of only hearing my babies heart beats and seeing my contractions on the screens.  Those moments of being told that my babies were only about one pound and would most likely not survive.  Those moments where I had no control.  Those moments of fear.  Those moments of unknown.  Those moments of complete loneliness.  Those moments that lead me back to my Heavenly Father.

I knew of God.  I believed in God.  I did not, however, have a relationship with him.  I didn't know what it meant to have a relationship with him.  During that hospital stay I gave my babies to God.  I realized that I had no control.  I no longer wanted control.

That pregnancy changed my life forever and I am forever grateful. Those were some of the most terrifying months but I wouldn't change a single moment of it.  That pregnancy brought me back to my Heavenly Father.

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