Home with Tracy

There are three things I remember from last year's birthday. All of them have to do with loss. First, all of our kids made me paper airplanes with China written on them. We were in the process of adopting Lucas. He was already in my heart and I couldn't wait to hold him in my arms. We were just getting the last paperwork together to finish up our home study and our dossier. I thought it would only be a few more months until I could see him, hold him, love him, comfort him. Second, I received a message from my youngest brother on Facebook. He asked me if it was my birthday or my husband's, since we share a joint Facebook account. I laughed because I always get his birthday and our other brother's birthday mixed up. We message back and forth a few times. It was so sweet. We didn't get to grow up together. I think it was the first time he had ever wished me a happy birthday. Third, I remember that I did not receive a phone call from my grandma to tell me happy bi...

These past few months I have felt overwhelmed. I just can't seem to get caught up, let alone ahead. It started back in August when my youngest brother took his life. I went numb for awhile. I stopped meal planning, stopped getting daily things done around the house, stopped freezer cooking, stopped basically everything. I thought I was getting back on my feet, but then in February we came to the difficult decision to stop the adoption process of a precious little boy in China. Again, I went numb and grieved. And then this week, my (paternal) grandma passed away. Her memorial service is today, but I am unable to attend. I am thankful that I was able to talk to her on the phone on the last day she was able to communicate. My grandma was the one person who truly was there for me my entire life. After my parent's divorced, she fought to keep my brother and I in her life. She was always there for me and her home was always a safe place for me. As I looked around my house lately,...

Today is weigh in day.  I have lost 10 pounds since the beginning of October...then I stalled. My reason - exercise! I still have 70 to 80 pounds to go.  I am so out of shape.  I try to start, get frustrated because I can't do as much as I think I should be able to, and I stop.  I started exercising earlier this year and ended up with my hip rotating up and then getting stuck.  It was stuck for about 4 months.  It was extremely painful.  Walking was painful.  Sitting was painful.  Sleeping was painful.  Everything was painful! Now that my hip is back to normal, I should be able to start up again.  But I am fearful.  I need to start slow.  I need to be careful.  My problem is that my mind thinks I can go faster than my body actually can go.  I will not quit.  I will keep trying. God blessed me with this life and it is my responsibility to take care of it. 

Two weeks ago I joined 20 other people, some of them strangers, for a biggest loser challenge.  The challenge last 12 weeks, and yes, it goes through the holidays.  I have done this challenge before and I gained.  This time it is different.  Not because I am "dieting" but because I am changing the way I see me.  My old thinking was that I deserved to be overweight.  I used my obesity as a shield to protect me.  It was an odd security blanket.  It was easier for me to be obese.  In my mind I held on to the obesity in order to have excuse should something from my past happen again.  God is working wonders in my life.  He is changing my thinking. "For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them." Ephesians 2:10 I am His workmanship.  I don't need to hide behind my weight.  He made me to do His good works.  I have been changing my e...