Thursday, June 6, 2013

Overwhelmed

These past few months I have felt overwhelmed. I just can't seem to get caught up, let alone ahead. It started back in August when my youngest brother took his life. I went numb for awhile. I stopped meal planning, stopped getting daily things done around the house, stopped freezer cooking, stopped basically everything.

I thought I was getting back on my feet, but then in February we came to the difficult decision to stop the adoption process of a precious little boy in China. Again, I went numb and grieved. And then this week, my (paternal) grandma passed away. Her memorial service is today, but I am unable to attend. I am thankful that I was able to talk to her on the phone on the last day she was able to communicate. My grandma was the one person who truly was there for me my entire life. After my parent's divorced, she fought to keep my brother and I in her life. She was always there for me and her home was always a safe place for me.

As I looked around my house lately, I realized that my being overwhelmed was not only affecting me, but the entire house. I realized my being overwhelmed was because I was rely on myself to get through all the grief I had been feeling. I wasn't rely on who I was supposed to be rely on. I wasn't casting all my burden on Him.

I haven't been disciplined. I haven't been following through on anything. Instead I have been giving up. The same thing applies to my weight gain. In the past three and a half years, I have gain about 60 pounds. I was down to 177 about a year after giving birth to our twins. I maintained it for awhile and was going to get back on track to loose the rest, but I didn't. My husband and I ended up having a difficult walk in our marriage about 4 years ago. That was the beginning of me having my give up attitude.

Another thing I have noticed from being overwhelmed is that I haven't been following through when giving instruction to my children. I ask. I ask again. I ask again and again and again. After asking so many times, I either give up and do it myself or it just doesn't get done.

I know that I need to change, but I just don't have the discipline to do so. It is my prayer that God will change my heart, change my mind, and give me the discipline needed to change. 

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