Home with Tracy

I was having a discussion with my children the other day about how we have to be purposeful when it comes to joy. Unfortunately, we can easily fall into negativity, anger, bitterness. Last week the kids and I attended VBS. The motto for VBS this year was Facing Fear, Trusting God. The verse for the week was was 2 Timothy 1:7. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." Growing up, I always feared my parents. This fear remained with me through my adulthood. If I would get an email from them, or a phone call, I would get a terrible pit in my stomach and I would feel sick. God used last weeks VBS to speak to me, to face my fear, to trust in Him and Him alone. He provided me courage and comfort. Last week I received an email from my mother. We have not had a relationship over the past 10 years. It is my choice and I do so because I am a better, healthier mom when I do not have contact with her or my second father. In the

It has been a rough 9 months for me. With the unexpected death of my youngest brother by him taking his own life, to stopping the adoption process of a little boy I already had in my heart and could see in our home, to the death of my grandmother last week. I have been numb. I have been getting up in the morning with the hopes of just getting through the day and making it until bedtime. As I was driving yesterday and listening to worship music, I had a revelation come into my thoughts. I am not living intentionally. My days are not my days, they are His days and I am not living them for Him or His purpose. I have felt like I have been living in a fog. I would get up in the morning, slowly get around to get the kids breakfast, halfheartedly get them to do their chores and schoolwork, and I could not wait until lunch because I knew afterwards there would be rest time and I could get a break. A break from what, I have no idea, since I really wasn't doing anything. After rest time

These past few months I have felt overwhelmed. I just can't seem to get caught up, let alone ahead. It started back in August when my youngest brother took his life. I went numb for awhile. I stopped meal planning, stopped getting daily things done around the house, stopped freezer cooking, stopped basically everything. I thought I was getting back on my feet, but then in February we came to the difficult decision to stop the adoption process of a precious little boy in China. Again, I went numb and grieved. And then this week, my (paternal) grandma passed away. Her memorial service is today, but I am unable to attend. I am thankful that I was able to talk to her on the phone on the last day she was able to communicate. My grandma was the one person who truly was there for me my entire life. After my parent's divorced, she fought to keep my brother and I in her life. She was always there for me and her home was always a safe place for me. As I looked around my house lately,