Friday, June 14, 2013

Changing my thinking - No longer just trying to get through the day.

It has been a rough 9 months for me. With the unexpected death of my youngest brother by him taking his own life, to stopping the adoption process of a little boy I already had in my heart and could see in our home, to the death of my grandmother last week. I have been numb. I have been getting up in the morning with the hopes of just getting through the day and making it until bedtime.

As I was driving yesterday and listening to worship music, I had a revelation come into my thoughts. I am not living intentionally. My days are not my days, they are His days and I am not living them for Him or His purpose.

I have felt like I have been living in a fog. I would get up in the morning, slowly get around to get the kids breakfast, halfheartedly get them to do their chores and schoolwork, and I could not wait until lunch because I knew afterwards there would be rest time and I could get a break. A break from what, I have no idea, since I really wasn't doing anything. After rest time I would do my best least to get dinner ready and then just count down until the kids would go to bed so I would have no more responsibilities.  

Yesterday I got out of the house, which has been a rare occurrence lately. I actually showered in the morning, got dressed, fixed my hair and was out of the house by 9:00 a.m. I was going to a homeschool used book sale at the church we used to attend. I was dreading it, but I knew it would be good for me. As we pulled into the church, the kids started talking about memories they had from when we used to attend. It was bittersweet. Once inside I was greeted by several friends I had not seen in a long time. Throughout the morning I was starting to feel refreshed. After the book sale, the kids and I wandered through the halls. The church was setting up for VBS and the kids wanted to see all the decorations. As we walked through the halls, the kids again started talking about memories they had. It started to feel like we had never left.

On the drive home, I was refreshed. I was reflecting again on what my days have been looking like. I was convicted that they were not looking like what God wanted them to look like.

Throughout these past few months my house has suffered, my body has suffered, my husband and children have suffered, all because of my lack of being intentional. There is no longer structure in our home. The kids don't know, or have been encouraged, to do what they are supposed to be doing. I would get so frustrated that they wouldn't listen, wouldn't do their chores, wouldn't do their school work. I felt that it was a constantly battle to get anything accomplished. Why did I expect them to do what they were supposed to do when their mother doesn't do what she is supposed to do. My husband doesn't come home to a clean house or dinner being ready. He comes home to a mess of a house, with a mess of a wife, who has no idea what to feed her family. Who, also, is most likely still in her pjs. This isn't fair to him. I am not being the wife I am supposed to be.

I am thankful that today is a new day. That's God's grace and mercy is new every morning. I am thankful for the refreshment that I received yesterday. I was so desperately in need of it and didn't even realize. I know that I need to make an intentional effort to change. I know that I need to make an intentional effort every day to do what God has planned for me. I know that my actions influence the actions of my children and that if I am not intentional, they will not be either. It is my prayer that God will continue to bring these realization to me. That He will continue to work on my heart so that I may live each day for Him.

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