Home with Tracy

Rain! We thought the rain would never stop. It seemed to rain every day for over a week. All the while, our lawn continued to grow and grow. When there was finally a break in the rain, the lawn seemed to stand two feet tall. Our oldest son has taken on the responsibility of mowing the lawn. He was so happy when his dad told him that he could mow on his own. He longs to please his dad. He longs to make him happy. He longs for his approval. Of course, he doesn't have to mow in order to do or receive any of those things. He has been a daddy's boy since the day he came into the world and we found out we had a son. Our son went out to tackle mowing the lawn. He had been asking me every day if he could mow and today I was finally able to say yes, that it was dry enough. He had been out there mowing for about 20 minutes when he came in for a drink. He was dripping with sweat. My heart sunk for my boy, for how difficult the task he was attempting to complete. I told him that I...

Good morning, Moms! I am sitting here with my four children, enjoying my second cup of coffee after completing my morning bible study. I am a little tired because a couple of my children kept me up a bit past my bedtime. If I am completely honest here, it was way past my bedtime. The older I get the earlier I am ready for bed. One of my daughter's came in my room three different times to tell me about the book she was reading. She has been reading a series that has, a few times, brought her to me with tears streaming down her cheeks. Last night, however, the story was ending and there was some happy moments. She simply could not wait til morning to tell me. This is the same girl who, a couple years ago, refused to read. She wanted nothing to do with reading at all. Now she gets so in to the stories that she is emotionally connected. It is great to witness this transformation in her. After my daughter went back to bed, for the fourth time, I started to drift off to sleep .......

Five years ago, when I was just starting out on our homeschool journey, I was searching, longing, begging for knowledge of what homeschooling should look like. How should I plan our day? What curriculum should I use? What age should I start my child learning to read? What age should I start my child learning handwriting? What time should I start our day? How many hours should I teach? Should I make them all sit in desks? All these questions just to find out what my homeschool should look like. So. Many. Questions! Five years later and I finally have the answer. Your homeschool should reflect your family.  It should look like you. It should look like your children. It should be an environment that you are comfortable teaching. It should be an environment where your children desire learning. There is no cookie-cutter style of homeschooling. What it shouldn't look like..... It should not look like other homeschool homes in your neighborhood. It should no...

I stand in the kitchen making my coffee and my daughter comes in to join me. I must confess, when I hear her coming, I envision her in piggy tails. I envision that I am going to need to look down to see her. I envision that I am going to need to kneel to get down to her sweet little face and look into her beautiful bright eyes. What I envision, is simply memories. She now stands up tall to my shoulders. There is no longer a need to kneel down to her level. She is almost eye to eye. She asks if she can make herself some toast. As I watched her moving around the kitchen as if it were her own, I couldn't help but remember when I used to make her toast for her. I couldn't help but remember when I first started teaching her how to prepare her own foods. Those moments flew by so fast. There is no longer a need for me to tell her how hot the toaster gets. There is no longer a need for me to help her get things out of the cupboards, she simply has to reach up to get them h...

Dear Adoptive Mom Who Didn't Adopt, It is difficult to express the loss of a child through a failed adoption. It is difficult for people to understand. But I am here to let you know that I understand. I understand your pain. I understand your loss. I have felt your heartbreak. I have cried your tears. You don't start the process of an adoption thinking the end result would be a bed that is still empty. You don't think that there will be a seat at the table that wont be filled. You don't think of all the goodnight kisses that will never be given. You don't think that you will never give comforting hugs, letting your child know you will always be there mommy. You don't start the process of an adoption thinking you will come out at the end without your child. It is difficult because the people around you may not respond to your loss. They may not realize that you are grieving the loss of that child. Your child. They may not realize that even though you never ...

As they woke up on Thanksgiving morning, they were blessed with a gift. A simple gift that was provided by God. Snow! Until recently, we have lived in Tennessee. We would get a dusting of snow, but nothing they could really play in. This is the first year they have snow pants and snow boots. When we bought their snow pants and boots, you would have thought we gave them the world. So excited! My oldest son noticed the snow and shouted with excitement. The rest of them ran to the door and more excitement ensued. They didn't want to eat breakfast, they just wanted to get on their snow gear and head outside. Yes, I told them they had to eat first.  I watched them play. I watched their simple joy. Their overwhelming joy. My youngest daughter came in and asked for a small carrot. There was not a whole lot of snow, but she managed to make a snowman (snowgirl, as she calls it, complete with a dress) and wanted a carrot nose. To her, it was amazingly fun and exciting to make her ver...

I have known for years. I have felt it in my heart. I have known it in my mind. Yet today, is when I finally found acceptance. I am a pretty logical person. I tend to see things for what they truly are, that is, except for one area in my life. My dad. My dad gave me up for a step-parent adoption when I was 5 years old. I always thought he was tricked or that he didn't really mean to do it. I mean, who could give up their daughter after being with her for the first 5 years of her life? It didn't help that my mother and adoptive father told me that I was not wanted by my dad. No child should ever be told they are unwanted. But, it was true. It doesn't make it right that they said it. It doesn't make it easy to accept. I have always been treated differently by my dad and step-mother. I always thought it was just because my dad wasn't in my life for thirteen years. I started really noticing that I wasn't really his daughter when I had children of my own. Whe...

My daughters are seven and eight years old. When they were younger, they would always want to be in the kitchen with me. I would like to say that I encouraged it, but I did not. I was always trying to just get to get things done quickly so everyone could eat. I deeply regret the way I acted. My eight year old helping me make peach cobbler. I regret that I did not encourage them to be in the kitchen with me while they were so eager to be. I regret always being in a hurry and just trying to get things done.  My seven year old making oven baked tacos. I know that there is still time to teach them. I know they are still young, but I miss the eagerness that my eight year old once had. She is slowly getting it back, the more I ask her to help out.  I regret that they saw me just trying to get things done and they didn't see the joy that being a homemaker brings me. I adore my family and preparing meals for them, maintaining the house (well...attempting) and hom...

A year ago today I received a phone call from my grandma that my youngest brother had taken his life. He was only 26 years old. He left behind a wife, who was 8 months pregnant, and an 18 month old son. When I first heard of my brother's passing, I was filled with shock and disbelief. Since then I have gone through periods of sadness, anger and finally acceptance. As I sat at his funeral, and I saw all the people that loved him fill the room from corner to corner and out into the hall, I couldn't help but wonder if he had known, truly known, how much he was loved and how many loved him, would he have changed his mind? I kept hearing how he always had a smile on his face, that he was always happy, and that he would be the last person anyone would expect to take his own life. I don't know why he thought that taking his life was the only answer. I will never know. If you are in a place where you think suicide is the only way to relieve the pain, make you forg...

I was having a discussion with my children the other day about how we have to be purposeful when it comes to joy. Unfortunately, we can easily fall into negativity, anger, bitterness. Last week the kids and I attended VBS. The motto for VBS this year was Facing Fear, Trusting God. The verse for the week was was 2 Timothy 1:7. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." Growing up, I always feared my parents. This fear remained with me through my adulthood. If I would get an email from them, or a phone call, I would get a terrible pit in my stomach and I would feel sick. God used last weeks VBS to speak to me, to face my fear, to trust in Him and Him alone. He provided me courage and comfort. Last week I received an email from my mother. We have not had a relationship over the past 10 years. It is my choice and I do so because I am a better, healthier mom when I do not have contact with her or my second father. In the...

It has been a rough 9 months for me. With the unexpected death of my youngest brother by him taking his own life, to stopping the adoption process of a little boy I already had in my heart and could see in our home, to the death of my grandmother last week. I have been numb. I have been getting up in the morning with the hopes of just getting through the day and making it until bedtime. As I was driving yesterday and listening to worship music, I had a revelation come into my thoughts. I am not living intentionally. My days are not my days, they are His days and I am not living them for Him or His purpose. I have felt like I have been living in a fog. I would get up in the morning, slowly get around to get the kids breakfast, halfheartedly get them to do their chores and schoolwork, and I could not wait until lunch because I knew afterwards there would be rest time and I could get a break. A break from what, I have no idea, since I really wasn't doing anything. After rest time ...

I am very much a home body. I love being home with my kids and I am completely content never leaving. I am trying to change this...slowly. Today the kids and I ventured out to take our two, four month old puppies for their veterinary appointment. I told the kids to get on their shoes and coats and told the boys to get the dogs on their leashes. My oldest daughter could not find one of her boots, so we all stopped what we were doing and looked for it in their room. We couldn't find it. I told her to just throw on her tennis shoes because we were going to be late. The boys put on their shoes, hooked the puppies to their leashes and then tried to get their coats on while trying to hold on to the puppies. It was not going so well. My daughter was taking her time getting her shoes untied so she could put them on so I went over to help her. As I was kneeling down to help her, I found my daughter's boot under the coffee table. I don't know why it took so long to find it since ...

There are times when I worry. I worry about things I have no control over. I worry about things I don't need to worry about. I pray that my worrying will stop. And then ... God blesses me with giggles. I was deep in thought.               Wondering.                    Thinking.                         Worrying. It had been a couple of days of my stomach turning and my mind just being filled with questions. It wasn't huge worries. It was just day to day worrying about day to day things. I couldn't stop my mind. I couldn't stop my stomach from turning.  God knew. He knew my thoughts. He knew my worries. He knew that I didn't really have any reason for either.  God blessed me with giggles. I was sitting in the van on the way back from a long day out. I...

I've been struggling with something for a while now. My struggle has caused me to hide out in my house and not want to go out into the world. What is my struggle? Women treating other women in a negative matter. Women talking about other women in a negative matter. More to the point - I struggle with the way moms treat other moms. We moved down south from Michigan about 5 years ago. I was excited for the change. My excitement was quickly squashed with the negativity I received. Unfortunately, there are still some people down south who do not care for people from the north. This has been a struggle the entire time I have lived down here. I simply do not fit in. My feeling is that I don't care where you are from. If you are a woman, we have something in common and we should support each other and lift each other up. If you are a mom, we have even more in common and we should support each other and lift each other up. It doesn't matter if you are a working mom or a s...

Today I am contributing over at Oodles World Neighborhood Blog. "As I woke up this morning, I still had that same feeling of gloom. I felt stuck. Then God gave me a gift. A gift I could feel the instant I walked out on my front porch. God gave me the gift of renewal. God gave me the gift of refreshment."  Click here  to read entire post. Have a blessed day!

Today I am going to appreciate doing laundry for I am thankful my family has clothes to wear, towels to use after we take a shower, sheets for beds where we are able to rest, in our home that provides us shelter.  We are blessed to be clean.  We are blessed to be warm.  We are blessed to have a place to rest our heads. Today I am going to appreciate doing dishes for I am thankful that I have pots and pans to cook the food that we are blessed with and get to eat on plates and bowls with silverware.  We are blessed to have nourishment. Today I will enjoy the hundreds of times my children call out mom for I am thankful that I have been given the blessing of having these children, of teaching these children, of caring for these children. Today I will be grateful for the gift of marriage and for my husband.  I will be thankful that he goes to work everyday so that I may stay home and care for our home and our children.  For if it were not for him and the g...