Dear Adoptive Mom Who Didn't Adopt,
It is difficult to express the loss of a child through a failed adoption. It is difficult for people to understand. But I am here to let you know that I understand. I understand your pain. I understand your loss. I have felt your heartbreak. I have cried your tears.
You don't start the process of an adoption thinking the end result would be a bed that is still empty. You don't think that there will be a seat at the table that wont be filled. You don't think of all the goodnight kisses that will never be given. You don't think that you will never give comforting hugs, letting your child know you will always be there mommy. You don't start the process of an adoption thinking you will come out at the end without your child.
It is difficult because the people around you may not respond to your loss. They may not realize that you are grieving the loss of that child. Your child. They may not realize that even though you never held your child, that child is still yours in your heart and in your mind.
I want you to know that your pain is real. Your loss is real. You can
grieve. You should grieve. You have experienced a loss even if others
around you don't understand or feel that you have.
It was two years ago today that we ended the adoption process for Lucas. Two years long years. Years that have not taken away any of the feelings I have for him. The feelings of being his mom. I prepared for him to come into our home. What I didn't prepare for was for him to never be here.
I selfishly pray that one day God will show me where Lucas is and that he is safe. That he is in a loving home. I selfishly want to hear his giggle just to see if it sounds as I imagined it would. I selfishly want to see his grin that expands from ear to ear. I want to see it in person, not just in the pictures I have kept.
Adoptive Mom, please don't feel alone. I am not the only one who feels your pain, who knows your grief. God knows. He knows your pain even more than I do. He will comfort you. Please let Him. Turn to Him when you feel that no-one understands.