Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Today Is My Birthday - Looking Forward To A New Year

There are three things I remember from last year's birthday. All of them have to do with loss.

First, all of our kids made me paper airplanes with China written on them. We were in the process of adopting Lucas. He was already in my heart and I couldn't wait to hold him in my arms. We were just getting the last paperwork together to finish up our home study and our dossier. I thought it would only be a few more months until I could see him, hold him, love him, comfort him.

Second, I received a message from my youngest brother on Facebook. He asked me if it was my birthday or my husband's, since we share a joint Facebook account. I laughed because I always get his birthday and our other brother's birthday mixed up. We message back and forth a few times. It was so sweet. We didn't get to grow up together. I think it was the first time he had ever wished me a happy birthday.

Third, I remember that I did not receive a phone call from my grandma to tell me happy birthday. She always called. But, honestly, I didn't let it bother me because I knew she wasn't feeling well.

Little did I know that I would never board an airplane to go get Lucas. In my heart he was already my son, but I would never be able to hold him. Seven months after my birthday we stopped the adoption process. My heart breaks still to this day and I mourn the loss of Lucas. I mourn the loss of a son I never got to hold in my arms. That may not make sense to some, but that is how I feel. I feel like I lost a child. I pray that God already has a forever family ready to pick him up.

Little did I know that the messages back and forth with my brother would be the last messages ever written to me by him. I didn't know that he would be gone just six weeks later. Had I known, I would have wrote him more. I would have said more. I looked back to re-read the messages on Facebook, but they had already been deleted.

Little did I know that this year I will not get a phone call from my grandma again. This time, it is not because she is sick, it is because she passed away a few weeks ago. I'll always remember her phone calls. Always.

I am thankful for a new year. It is my last year in my thirties, which doesn't seem possible. Am I the only mom who started to forget how old she was when she had to start remembering how old her kids are?

So as I look forward to this new year, I pray that the only losses I will see this year will be on my bathroom scale and in inches off my body. As I look forward, I will also cherish the blessings that God has given me. Even through the losses, He has blessed me.

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