Today, I told my children to get their tennis shoes on because we were going for a walk.
Squeals of excitement filled the house. They were so excited to go for a walk. Me, not so much.
My oldest daughter asks me several times a week to go on a walk with her. I always find an excuse to say no. Always.
I have begun my weight loss journey several times over the past 4 years. Several times I started out thinking I could do lose the weight. Several times I failed. I haven't always been overweight. I did not become obese until almost five years ago. The weight came on fast. I don't even remember how it happened. One day I was losing the weight I gained while I was pregnant with my twins. I was down to 177 lbs and losing at a pretty good rate. I was proud of myself. The next day I was 245 lbs.
Today, I have decided to start my weight loss journey again.
Because I am obese.
Because I hurt every day.
Because I cannot bend over without feeling as though I am choking due to the fat on my body is overtaking me.
Because I cannot play with my children.
Because I refuse to get my picture taken. The mere thought of documenting my failure in becoming obese and allowing myself to stay obese makes me physically sick to my stomach.
Because I hate looking in the mirror.
Because I am a terrible role model to my children.
Because my daughter, who is an absolutely beautiful 9 year old, told me today that she was fat. I wanted to weep.
Because I am supposed to be the object of my husband affection and I don’t know how he can even stand to look at me.
Because I have given up on myself.
Because I have forgotten who I am.
Because I have forgotten who I want to be.
Today, I started my weight loss journey again. I went for a walk with my children.
We walked around the block once. It was
half a mile.
I felt terrible. I could barely breathe. My legs hurt. My lungs hurt.
My oldest son walked by my side the entire time. The others ran a little way ahead again, burning up some of their youthful energy.
He walked by me.
He never left my side.
He kept asking if I was okay.
Over and over again. And then again.
I was breathing hard and limping.
But I kept going.
I managed to walk a half of a mile.
My weight loss journey has begun …. again.