Thursday, May 15, 2014

Starting my weight loss journey again … again.


Today, I told my children to get their tennis shoes on because we were going for a walk. 

Squeals of excitement filled the house. They were so excited to go for a walk. Me, not so much. 

My oldest daughter asks me several times a week to go on a walk with her. I always find an excuse to say no. Always.

I have begun my weight loss journey several times over the past 4 years. Several times I started out thinking I could do lose the weight. Several times I failed. I haven't always been overweight. I did not become obese until almost five years ago. The weight came on fast. I don't even remember how it happened. One day I was losing the weight I gained while I was pregnant with my twins. I was down to 177 lbs and losing at a pretty good rate. I was proud of myself. The next day I was 245 lbs.

Today, I have decided to start my weight loss journey again.

Why?

Because I am obese.

Because I hurt every day.

Because I cannot bend over without feeling as though I am choking due to the fat on my body is overtaking me.

Because I cannot play with my children.

Because I refuse to get my picture taken. The mere thought of documenting my failure in becoming obese and allowing myself to stay obese makes me physically sick to my stomach.

Because I hate looking in the mirror.

Because I am a terrible role model to my children.

Because my daughter, who is an absolutely beautiful 9 year old, told me today that she was fat. I wanted to weep.

Because I am supposed to be the object of my husband affection and I don’t know how he can even stand to look at me.

Because I have given up on myself.

Because I have forgotten who I am.

Because I have forgotten who I want to be.

Today, I started my weight loss journey again. I went for a walk with my children.

We walked around the block once.  It was only a half a mile.

I felt terrible. I could barely breathe. My legs hurt. My lungs hurt.

My oldest son walked by my side the entire time. The others ran a little way ahead again, burning up some of their youthful energy.

He walked by me.

He never left my side.

He kept asking if I was okay.

Over and over again. And then again.

I was breathing hard and limping. 

But I kept going.

I managed to walk a half of a mile.

My weight loss journey has begun …. again.  

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