Saturday, July 10, 2010

New attitude

Today is my birthday. For as long as I can remember, I have not looked forward to my birthday. As my birthday would near, I would get depressed and try to ignore the fact that it was coming.

When I was a little girl, the one thing I wanted more than anything on my birthday, I could not have. I wanted my dad to be there with me. My parents divorced when I was around 3 years old and I was adopted by my step-father when I was 5. From that day on, I was not allowed to see my father. I was told how awful my father was by my mother and my adopted father. I was told how awful their marriage was. As a result of this, I grew up thinking I was awful because I was a result of that marriage. For that reason, I hated my birthday.

In my adult years, especially recent years, I have dreaded my birthday because of what bad thing might happen. Four years ago, I went into pre-term labor with our twins on my birthday. I ended up spending the 3 days following that birthday in the hospital. I was 23 weeks pregnant and fearful for my babies. Two years ago on my birthday, I couldn't walk. I had something severely wrong with my back and it hurt to move. I couldn't roll over, I couldn't stand up. I was miserable. I went to the doctor and found out I had a herniated disk and a problem with my left hip.

This year, as my birthday approached, I noticed how bad my attitude was. I don't know how it finally dawned on me, but I realized that I was the reason my birthday was bad every year. I was the reason I had a bad attitude. Today, as I celebrate my 36th birthday, I look back over my past birthdays with a new attitude. My husband pointed out to me today, if I hadn't gone in to pre-term labor with the twins when I did, I wouldn't have received the shots needed to develop their lungs. If I hadn't received those shots and all the other medications, they could have ended up in the NICU after being born at 35 weeks. Instead, we were blessed to all leave the hospital together. It was a blessing that I went into pre-term labor and that my babies received the care they needed. I realized that if I didn't go to the doctor for my back when I did, that it could have turned into something worse, something needing surgery. Instead, I just ended up going to physically therapy to get better.

This morning, one of my daughter's came up to me, hugged me, and said "I love your birthday". Wow! How selfish have I been all these years. Why wouldn't I love my birthday. If I wouldn't have been born, I wouldn't have the blessing of being their mother. I wouldn't have the blessing of being married to my husband. I wouldn't have the blessing of growing closer to my Heavenly Father and towards the purpose He has for my life.

God has a great purpose for my life. He has a great purpose for lives of my children. If I don't change my attitude, none of us are going to know our purpose or fulfill our purpose.

For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works. And that my soul knows very well. Psalm 13-14

Whatever my past may have been, there was a reason for it. God is working in me to fulfill His purpose and I should have great joy in all that He does to get me to that purpose.

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