Saturday, January 29, 2011

The tools God provides

This weekend my husband is at a men's conference down in Georgia.  This is the third year in a row that he has attended this conference.  Each year when he attends this conference I reflect back on the year that has passed and I am amazed at how much our marriage and family has changed. 

It has been said (specifically by my former pastor) that I am a strong willed person.  It was that strong will that convinced my husband to attend this conference the first year that he went.  I don't think he was looking forward to it, but I could be wrong.  I just remember that I was looking forward to it.  To be honest, I was not looking forward to it because I wanted my husband to be filled, refreshed and renewed.   I was looking forward to it because I wanted him out of the house.  I wanted that 36 hours to myself (not really by myself, our 4 small children were with me).  Our marriage was at an all time low and I was done.  Little did I know how God would use that conference as a tool to start fixing our marriage.

My husband came back from that conference a changed man.  I could see it.  I, however, did not admit that I could see it.  I was bitter.  I was broken.  I didn't care that he was changing.  I not only kept my wall up, but I began making it bigger.  I didn't want to encourage the changes.  I was used to the mess of a marriage that we had.  I knew that if I kept the marriage the way it was that there was no way to get hurt because I couldn't possibly hurt anymore than I already did.

God kept working on him over the next months.  He started going to a men's lifegroup that met once a week.  He was reading his Bible.  I could see changes.  Lots of changes.  What did I do with all those changes? I fought them!  I didn't change.  I was happy he was changing, but I wasn't going to change with him.

It took me about a year a half to start breaking down my wall.  It still isn't gone, but it is drastically smaller than it was.  I am a work in progress.  

It is hard sometimes to look back at all we've gone through, but when I do I always end up with a smile on my face because I see God's amazing love in our marriage now.  I see all the changes that have happened in our lives because we have given our marriage, children, everything over to God.

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