In the summer of 2009 my husband lost his job. I was a stay-at-home mom at the time and had been for two and a half years. That summer our church was hiring an Administrative Assistant in the Preschool/Children Ministry. I have always had a heart for children and love working around them. I ended up being hired in July of that year. I was excited. I was going to be helping in the ministry. This is what I was being called to do - or so I tried to convince myself. In November of that year, our Preschool/Children's Minister resigned. I was now taking on a bigger role. I was running the Preschool Ministry. I must say, even with the challenges that I would sometimes face, I loved it. I love the children, I loved the teachers. I loved seeing the children learn about God's Word and His unending love for them.
Even though I was working in the Preschool Ministry, and I was serving God, I knew that was not where I was supposed to be. I knew God wanted me at home. I, however, did not want to be at home and doing what God was commanding me to do. I was being disobedient but I justified it because I was "serving".
My husband was unemployed for nine months. While he was unemployed, God did amazing work in him. I saw all the changes and it terrified me. I was content with our marriage the way it was. It was, by no means, a good marriage and I was okay with that. I was okay with my husband and I tolerating each other. I had grown cold in our marriage. Divorce was not an option to me. I was a child of divorce and I wasn't about to do that to our children. Instead, I just went on day by day with my cold broken heart. And I was absolutely content to do so. After all, my heart was so cold, it couldn't possibly be broken anymore so why change things.
I knew I was being disobedient to what God had called me to do and in May of 2010 I gave my resignation and I came home. I was terrified to come back home. I saw all of the changes that were happening to my husband. I knew that I would have to make changes. I knew that God was working on my heart. I didn't want him to work on my heart because if I softened my heart it could get broken again.
Prior to resigning I received a call from a gentleman in the church who is over missions in Romania. He asked me to pray about going in July of that year. I discussed it with my husband, but honestly I didn't pray about it. I didn't want to pray about it, I just wanted to go. Once again I figured I would be serving, so God would be happy. And once again, I was wrong. I didn't end up going on that missions trip. I felt horrible. I felt like I let people down. My pride was hurt.
I was letting fear keep me from what God was calling me to do. He was calling me to be a wife, mother and His child. God put people in my life to help me through this transition. One of the people He put in my life introduced me to the book Feminine Appeal Seven Virtues of a Godly Wife and Mother by Carolyn Mahaney. I have been studying Titus 2:3-5 ever since. This friend and this book help begin a change in me. The change that God was calling me to make.
Recently, I have found a verse that quickly became my favorite.
Forget the former things; do not dwell in the past. Isaiah 43:18
It has been difficult for me to put my past behind me and break down my walls. But with God's help I am doing it. I am finally being obedient and doing what God has called me to do, not what I was calling myself to do. Serving and showing God's love and teaching His Word is what we are supposed to do, but we need to make sure that isn't keeping us from doing what we are called to do.
My marriage is now the best it has ever been and it just keeps getting better. I am not saying that everyday is all sunshine and roses, but we are finally becoming the "one" that we are supposed to become.
Thank you, God, for your patience and for not giving up on Your daughter. I pray that I continue to listen for what You are calling me to do.