Home with Tracy

A year ago today I received a phone call from my grandma that my youngest brother had taken his life. He was only 26 years old. He left behind a wife, who was 8 months pregnant, and an 18 month old son. When I first heard of my brother's passing, I was filled with shock and disbelief. Since then I have gone through periods of sadness, anger and finally acceptance. As I sat at his funeral, and I saw all the people that loved him fill the room from corner to corner and out into the hall, I couldn't help but wonder if he had known, truly known, how much he was loved and how many loved him, would he have changed his mind? I kept hearing how he always had a smile on his face, that he was always happy, and that he would be the last person anyone would expect to take his own life. I don't know why he thought that taking his life was the only answer. I will never know. If you are in a place where you think suicide is the only way to relieve the pain, make you forg...

There are three things I remember from last year's birthday. All of them have to do with loss. First, all of our kids made me paper airplanes with China written on them. We were in the process of adopting Lucas. He was already in my heart and I couldn't wait to hold him in my arms. We were just getting the last paperwork together to finish up our home study and our dossier. I thought it would only be a few more months until I could see him, hold him, love him, comfort him. Second, I received a message from my youngest brother on Facebook. He asked me if it was my birthday or my husband's, since we share a joint Facebook account. I laughed because I always get his birthday and our other brother's birthday mixed up. We message back and forth a few times. It was so sweet. We didn't get to grow up together. I think it was the first time he had ever wished me a happy birthday. Third, I remember that I did not receive a phone call from my grandma to tell me happy bi...

A year ago I began my adventure in canning. I was nervous and excited all at the same time. What if I didn't can correctly? What if the jars didn't seal correctly? What if I ended up making my family sick? So many questions! I started out canning peaches. I foolishly bought 75 lbs to start. Not a good idea. I should have started with 25 lbs. I was absolutely exhausted by the time I finished and I wasted several because I didn't get take them out of the box and get them processed in time. Lesson learned. After I canned the peaches, I bought more peaches and canned again. I ended up with about 70 quarts last year. With four children, those 70 quarts didn't last long. I ended up rationing them so they would last at least nine months. After I canned both batches of peaches, I started to get some confidence. I canned pickles, green beans, stewed tomatoes, carrots, potatoes, pears, strawberry jam, grape jelly, grape juice, beef broth, chicken broth, black beans,...

I was having a discussion with my children the other day about how we have to be purposeful when it comes to joy. Unfortunately, we can easily fall into negativity, anger, bitterness. Last week the kids and I attended VBS. The motto for VBS this year was Facing Fear, Trusting God. The verse for the week was was 2 Timothy 1:7. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." Growing up, I always feared my parents. This fear remained with me through my adulthood. If I would get an email from them, or a phone call, I would get a terrible pit in my stomach and I would feel sick. God used last weeks VBS to speak to me, to face my fear, to trust in Him and Him alone. He provided me courage and comfort. Last week I received an email from my mother. We have not had a relationship over the past 10 years. It is my choice and I do so because I am a better, healthier mom when I do not have contact with her or my second father. In the...

It has been a rough 9 months for me. With the unexpected death of my youngest brother by him taking his own life, to stopping the adoption process of a little boy I already had in my heart and could see in our home, to the death of my grandmother last week. I have been numb. I have been getting up in the morning with the hopes of just getting through the day and making it until bedtime. As I was driving yesterday and listening to worship music, I had a revelation come into my thoughts. I am not living intentionally. My days are not my days, they are His days and I am not living them for Him or His purpose. I have felt like I have been living in a fog. I would get up in the morning, slowly get around to get the kids breakfast, halfheartedly get them to do their chores and schoolwork, and I could not wait until lunch because I knew afterwards there would be rest time and I could get a break. A break from what, I have no idea, since I really wasn't doing anything. After rest time ...

These past few months I have felt overwhelmed. I just can't seem to get caught up, let alone ahead. It started back in August when my youngest brother took his life. I went numb for awhile. I stopped meal planning, stopped getting daily things done around the house, stopped freezer cooking, stopped basically everything. I thought I was getting back on my feet, but then in February we came to the difficult decision to stop the adoption process of a precious little boy in China. Again, I went numb and grieved. And then this week, my (paternal) grandma passed away. Her memorial service is today, but I am unable to attend. I am thankful that I was able to talk to her on the phone on the last day she was able to communicate. My grandma was the one person who truly was there for me my entire life. After my parent's divorced, she fought to keep my brother and I in her life. She was always there for me and her home was always a safe place for me. As I looked around my house lately,...

My husband had to go deliver a grant application for work yesterday. The building where it had to be delivered just happened to be around the corner from the State Capitol, so we decided to make a family field trip out of it. Note to self for next field trip ... BRING CAMERA! We had to park downtown, which led to a new exciting experience for half of the children. What could this new exciting experience possibly be? Parking meters. Yep, you read correctly, parking meters. Each of the kids took turns putting quarters in the parking meter and giggled the entire time. At one point a lady walked past with the most peculiar look on her face. Apparently she must have been wondering about these parking meters too. I'm sure it wasn't because we looked like country homeschooling folk whose kids have never been to the City. No, that couldn't be it. Our first stop was to drop off my husband's grant application. We reminded the children before we went in the building that this ...